Considering that I thought myself to be completely heartless, I'm sort of confused with what i'm feeling right now. It could be guilt, it could be regret, I have no idea. All I know is that I've dug myself into a bigass hole and I can't fucking climb out of it.
Everything started out so well really. I made friends with a bunch of guys and they were all super attentive and sweet to me.
Then the romance came into play and guy T started to like me. I knew that I lacked the emotional capacity to like someone genuinely and ended up rejecting him more or less. He was too good for me, too sweet for me, and that scared me. The idea that I could end up hurting him was frightening. I didn't want to toy with anyone who could possibly be serious about me especially when I couldn't guarantee that I'd be able to give something back.
So I ran from him. At this time, guy Y started to like me as well and made his move on me one night. I had heard from people about how he played around with girls a lot and he certainly didn't seem very serious about me so I thought, why not? Commitment-free fun right? Wrong. He turned out to be serious about me. Like, really serious. And so me, in my little bout of... i-want-to-like-someone, tried really hard to like him. For a while, I thought that it worked but like always, one line from my mom made me realize how shallow my feelings were for him. But now, he's convinced that I like him from my pretending and I can't really climb out of my hole.

So it doesn't end there. I think that I may have liked guy T, but now he hooked up with my best friend and I'm not in any position to do anything about it. She seriously likes him and I'm out of the picture. GG, me.


Well, I've decided to see a psychiatrist about my mental issue. It should NOT be this difficult to like someone. Having a crush on someone should be something natural and common, but I can't even manage that. It's been an entire year already and I feel as asexual as ever. FML.